The Conversation

I'm not as heartless as most people think I am, most especially my older sibling. She thinks that I'm crude, rude, insensitive, childish, and immature with no sense of responsibility. It hurts me because I'm not. Do I have to be mature all the damn time? Do I have to learn how to fucking drive when I experienced first hand crashing into someone when she, my older sibling, was behind the steering wheel? Do I have to fucking mind what I say when someone tells me to tell them the truth knowing full well that it will inevitable hurt because the truth always hurts?? I'm nothing special, I'm most certainly not the golden child - she is. I'm the taken for granted youngest child. People always say that being the youngest is actually the easiest but, no. Everyone who says that is telling a lie. Everyone always tells you to grow up, to bear responsibility, or to be more sensitive about your surroundings or the people around you. All my life, I have tried to please everyone by being respectful to them, pretending to be okay when in reality I'm not, and doing the best I can in every situation. I've been abandoned, betrayed, used by people and still, I try to be alright. Nobody ever asked me if I'm fine. Because I'm fucking busy trying to get my shit together because my older sister keeps on telling me to mature. I'm tired of trying to please them. Sometimes, I just want to run away and go somewhere far, far away where they can't reach me but, the truth is I'm scared. I'm afraid that if I run, I'll do it as my defense mechanism. I'm not scared of being alone because I've felt that all my life, more so now that I'm an adult. I'm always placing a lid on my emotions because I don't want to offend anyone but, I'm just tired now. The reason why I'm even posting this is because my sibling just said to me earlier that I don't care for people and it triggered me. She always acts as if she can do no wrong, like she knows everything and that she's holier-than-thou. Its fucking irritating me. I don't say anything back to her when she says shit to me because I don't want to fight with her but, I'm so close to just exploding. I don't want to cause any trouble in my family. All I really want is to rant all what I'm feeling to anyone because I have no friends and no close relatives. So yeah, I'm sad, tired, and close to going crazy.