The Conversation

i’m so fucking tired of hiding who i am. do you know what it’s like to sit at dinner with your own family, smiling and nodding, while every word out of their mouth reminds you that if they really knew you, they’d stop looking at you the same? i’m gay. and i can’t tell them. not because i don’t want to, but because i’m scared as hell. scared they’ll shut me out. scared i’ll lose the only people i’ve ever known just for being myself. i hear the jokes, the offhand comments, the “that’s disgusting” when someone on tv kisses the wrong gender and i just sit there. silent. it’s like living with a ticking bomb in your chest. and every day i wonder, do they love me, or the version they think i am? because if it’s not me, then who the fuck do i have?