The Conversation

i dont even know where to start honestly... i feel like im just floating through life like not even living, just existing, day in and day out. and i keep telling myself it'll get better, just hang on a little longer, things will change but they fucking don't. it's just more of the same. fake smiles, silent crying at night, pretending everything's fine so people don't ask questions i don't wanna answer. and it’s like... no one notices. no one cares. people say "im here for you" but where are they when im staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell the point of any of this is? nowhere. they’re only there when it’s convenient or when they need something.

i’m tired. like not just tired tired, but soul tired. i wake up already exhausted and i go to sleep feeling like a failure. like nothing i do is ever enough. i work, i try, i push myself and still feel like im 10 steps behind everyone else. like im stuck watching everyone else live while i’m just... surviving. and it’s lonely. god, it’s so fucking lonely. even when im surrounded by people i still feel like i’m alone in my own little bubble of sadness. i laugh at jokes and make conversation and meanwhile i’m screaming inside for someone to just see me. not the version i pretend to be, but the real me. the tired, insecure, falling-apart version. but people don’t want that. they want happy. they want easy. and i am neither.

i miss feeling excited about life. i miss waking up and not immediately thinking “ugh another fucking day.” i miss being passionate, feeling hopeful, dreaming big. now i just want to get through the week without breaking down in a public bathroom. and maybe that sounds dramatic or whatever but it’s real. this is my reality and i hate that i feel ashamed to admit it. everyone acts like talking about your feelings is brave but the second you open up, people act weird or avoid you like you’re some emotional burden.

i don’t want attention. i don’t want pity. i just want someone to sit with me in the dark and not try to fix it. just... be there. that’s all. cause i don’t need solutions. i just need to not feel invisible anymore. is that too much to fucking ask?